The past is haunting me again.

This is something even my closest friends won't know. I've been keeping it for many years. Something very personal and family related. I've decided to let it out after what happened today. I'm tired of all these. It always never fail to bring tears in me.

So what actually happened today?

 I went out to study with my friend. As usual, when one is so engrossed in studying, time isn't a factor to be concerned with. Usually, i will set a goal to complete certain topics before getting a rest, and time flies by very very quickly without me noticing it.

It was 1am-ish when i last checked my phone. I recalled dozing off on my friend's bed as i wanted to rest my eyes. The next moment i realised it was 5am. There were 6 missed calls from Home Tel and Mum's h.p with 2 smses from her as well. (She calls from 2 sources. Don't ask me why. Because i don't know myself either)

I decided not to return the call because I KNOW she wanted to know my whereabouts but was afraid she's already asleep at 5am. I did in fact told them i went to my friend's house to study before i went out. Nevertheless, i took the first train home because i have revision classes later in the noon.

The first thing i stepped into the house was a rant from my dad for not telling them i won't be home. I simply kept quiet and walked off. What can i do? One less word from a party keeps the conflict down. So i rather remain silent. The next moment, my mom stepped out from her room and started QUESTIONING ME where i went, why i didn't pick up her calls or reply her sms. I told her i fell asleep. Then she continued by yelling at me.. that i should at least sms her i won't be coming home, so she won't have to stay awake the whole night worrying about me.

Yup. She stayed up the whole night. I uttered "crazy" before i walked into the toilet to avoid any possible conflict. I know there'll be more problems if i persist on arguing with her. I rather let her "win" the battle than making a fuss out. While i was washing up, she kicked the door, so loud i got a fright. I couldn't take her nonsense anymore. I went out thereafter and asked my dad who did it, in a gentle way though.

She continued to reiterate that i could have at least sms her to tell her, so she won't have to worry about me involving in an accident/hopitalised/die/kidnapped/murdered etc. She went overly angry about the way i called her "crazy". She raised her voice, scolded me, screamed at me. I got so angry that i told her that she resembles my grandmother (her mother) because my grandma is suffering from paranoia too. I know i was wrong by calling her crazy. But i just couldn't stand all these craps any longer.

I don't know why she has to do this to me every time, every year, while i am busy preparing for my exams. All she wanted was a word that i am safe and sound, so that she can go to bed in a peace of mind. But what's the point of doing it? This is the period i needed the most support and encouragements. Neither of them were present. I might have overlooked her call or sms. But she get overly pissed at such inanity?

Ever since JC.. she started all these nonsenses. I took triple sciences. My workload was stressed. I wanted to become a doctor. But i gave up. I dropped Biology after year 1 because i flunk my subjects. After all the incidents, i learnt that by keeping quiet / let them finish their rant will be the best method out to avoid myself getting hurt emotionally. I am already immune. They like to do it, I just let them be. I rarely talk to my parents now. I am living a very singly life ever since then. All by myself..

My parents have some weird thinkings about me, not being filial when i grow up or ditch them when they grow old. I was beaten badly when i was young for whatever reasons. Mischiefs, not doing homework, playing too much computer games etc. Caning until i bleed, slapping, knuckles on my head, yanking out my ear, stuffing chilli into my mouth... My memories dated all the way back when i was 4 years old. They are still very vivid. I admit they are my phobias even till now. I cry whenever i think of it. I just cannot keep it out. When i see parents shouting at their children, i get upset.

But i never ever have a notion of not providing for my parents when they age, let alone ending my life. I do felt like giving up sometimes, giving up studying that is. I am very fortunate to have my relative's monetary support. 2 years of NS plus night studies for my degree. Waking up duper early everyday for NS and going home near midnight for 3-4times a week. The stress from NS and studies.. I broke down silently at times. They questioned me why i reached home so late at night. I kept quiet. Isn't it obvious? I scarifies so many things. For?

For going as far as i can so that i can provide for my family, my friends and lastly, at least for me to enjoy a little before i go. I discovered some heart problems when i was 15. Doctor said implant would be the solution, but i was too young for it. Either i experience episodes of rapid heartbeat or missing beats while at rest. My parents never knew about my condition except my relatives, which i kindly asked them to keep it a secret, for my condition might cause much stirs in the future. I definitely want to see myself suceeding, in every way i can.

I am taking life as it comes. My will is strong. The way my relatives cultivated me, provided me, and taught me, had made a great impact on me. They brought me overseas, bought all computing necessities for me and cared for me when i was young. I do need to return them this favour as i ought to. It has become part of my character. My grandparents too. My ah ma from father side babysit me when i was young. She's 80 plus now, and i only see her once every year during CNY. She taught me handicrafts and even taught me how to roll a home-made cigarette. How i wish i am more abled to return them for what they have brought me up the way i am today.

Perhaps i grew to understand people more, cherish what i have and appreciate life. I have started working since 16. My first temp job i remembered was a crew in TCC@Beach Road. There, i was given the chance to run the whole restaurant, interact with foreigners from Raffles Hotel, preparing specialities like cafe and latte. It built up my confidence. Subsequently, i found myself in several temp jobs which really gave me the experience that most teens at that age would probably be enjoying themselves during their school holidays. To mention a few, setting up SGH's staff clinic @ Bowyer Block, IBM callcentre for DBS and relief teaching in primary school before i enlist NS.

Maybe i should get this off my chest: My mom actually asked for her "allowance" whenever i start a new temp job. That's right. At the age of 16, i was merely working to gain some experience and earn some pocket money. The money earned was so little that i can't even buy my favourite stuffs and she already wanted a pie of it. They might be traditional. But time has changed. Child's mindset will be different from parents' - the so called generation gap. Even the recent 6mths job i took, she asked for it too. I am seriously disappointed. I have a study loan to repay; even though the loan was from my relatives, i always have the intention to give it back. It was just, only a temporary job.

The money i earned was saved for my upcoming school fees and future expenses. I am trying to be self-sufficient here instead of asking money from them when it's time for school fees again. I did, out of goodwill, transferred my parents' mobile lines to my account and have been paying for their bills since then. With 3 lines(including mine) and broadband internet bill to clear, i have no objections to it. The most is for them to show some gratitude, but they didn't. Even if they consumed much more then the included bundled free airtime, i didn't grumble.

To me, money is something that i can buy happiness for someone else. Although being frugal, i will not hesitate to give my friends a treat, buying them what they deserve and helping them wherever i can within my means. Unlike most of my friends, i have never thought of saving up for a car/motorbike/vacation. Well, acquiring such big-ticketed item might gives you the satisfaction, but ultimately, and unless you come from a golden spoon, there are other much needed priorities that one should consider and look into the future.

My life is short, i reckoned. To achieve what i should and fullfill my goals is my wish. There are only a few careers that i can command my own salary for my own hard work and efforts i put in. Though challenging, to see how far i can go will probably be my greatest acomplishment. I am fine without parent's support, which i had long given up hope. I pitch myself with others to go further. That is where i get my motivations from. I will not leave behind my friends who gave me guidance all these while and to be able to give to the less privileged if i can.

Being independent is nothing new to me already. I consult and make my decisions that is best for me. Some might be right, some might be wrong. But i learn and pick up from where i fall.

18 more days to my first paper. I will give my very best. Thereafter, the start of my career. There's no turning back. May i have the strength to fight on ... i hope.